Red and White (11/5/2013)

Let me just point this out to relief my itch…
“Then” and “Than” are 2 very different things…
Please specify and add more dhttps://yemihikari276.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post-new.phpetails as to whom you’re talking about, like a “certain girl” made me thought for a moment that another person came into the conversation…
There is also the part where you tend to make a lot of typographical errors
Perhaps a beta reader would be fitting…
Another advice is to actually put descriptions in the dialogue like the last chapter ‘Don’t listen to Rukia-nee and blah’, add something like “There was a crumpled paper atop the contents of the box with a message scribbled haphazardly, [enter content of the paper]”
I really hope you improve and to limit the OOC-ness…
The over-all story was interesting but the language was very confusing…

The first chapters for Red and White were written over five years ago. Anything from back then has quite a few grammar problems and even though I have improved grammar wise I still expect people to point out my grammar errors including the fact I use “then” and “than” and having a Beta reader would be nice. Finding a good one though is a problem as the two good ones I have had have come and gone from the site and the other one I had wasn’t a good Beta.

That said, if you’re going to lecture a person about typographical errors in a story you really should avoid typographical errors yourself when you review. A writer using “then” and “than” which are homophone errors honestly seems minor to the tense errors that you have. The word “relief” should be “relieve” and the word “thought” should be “think”.

I’m going to move along to the dialog you’re referring too.

“Maybe, I just have a really good memory. Don’t listen to what Rukia says. This is ‘giri choco’, not ‘honmei choco’.” What did she mean by…” Toshiro suddenly saw the exact contents of the box that had been under Karin’s hastily scrawled letter, which was also rather crumpled.

I’ll admit that it could have been better written and if I were to rewrite it today I would rewrite it something like this.

“Maybe I just have a really good memory. Don’t listen to what Rukia says. This is giri choco, not honmei choco.” What did she mean by…” Toshiro then saw the exact contents of the box that had been under Karin’s hastily scrawled  and crumpled letter.

Your solution though would have been to write it like this.

“Maybe I just have a really good memory.” There was a crumpled paper atop the contents of the box with a message scribbled haphazardly [that read] “Don’t listen to what Rukia says. This is ‘giri choco’, not ‘honmei choco’. Toshiro shook his head. “What did she mean by…” Toshiro then saw the exact contents of the box that had been under the letter that Karin had written him.

The problem with your solution comes down to the fact the message Karin wrote him was read out loud and your solution pretty much makes it so said message was no longer read out loud. While I could have said he read the message out loud having actual dialog where he reads said message out loud isn’t incorrect and which way a writer goes (whether to have the message read out loud in the dialog or say that it was read out loud) depends on what they’re trying to convey to the reader. I choose on purpose to have Toshiro say it out loud inside of the dialog rather then mentioning it.

Next… you say that “[you] really hope [I] improve and to limit the OOC-ness…” only to not provide any explanation as to where I was making the characters OoC within the story. I don’t know if I’ve improved grammar wise by your standards as you’ve not read anything that I’ve written in the five years since and not offered to tell me if I have or not.

As for the OoC issue… accusations of OoCness should be given with an explanation as to why a person thinks said characters are OoC so the person can either use it to their advantage or counter it.

P.S. Thank you for pointing out the “then” and “than” issue and the fact I do have a bit of odd language when I write which is particularly true in some of my older works.

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