I got an anonymous review from someone named lee7anna today on my Bleach fanfic Fake Bankai.
I get your authors note I can understand your frustration at exaggerated rapid learnt bankai’s. However, I believe(and I’m sure you are aware of this as well) you have exaggerated Momo’s child-likeness to a point in which she is OOC.
I’ve a policy of deleting reviews which accuse me of writing Momo as OoC when they are sent in anonymously due to the fact I’ve found those making said accusations are made by people blinded by their idolization of her character to the point they think she can do no wrong, or they completely flip out when she’s not portrayed in a favorable light. Almost all of them have been anonymous as well.
Contrary to popular belief, Momo is actually very child-like in her mannerisms. That’s the only reason Shinji keeps her around, is because he can send her on frivolous tasks just for the fun of it, which in turn to him makes the act not frivolous as he takes enjoyment out of her gullibility. This was revealed just this last week in the second to last chapter of Bleach.
Add to this, there is not a single time in the Bleach canon she’s ever successfully done something. She’s always messing up. Yes, this includes the time she thought she rescued Matsumoto during the Karakura Town arc, as she actually messed up Matsumoto’s plan of getting one of the Arrancar by themselves, which in turn messed everyone else up. She constantly messed up during the final arc, and she’s got a very nasty temper, as show in the final arc.
I’m left wondering if this person’s actually reading the Manga, or if they’ve only seen the Anime, because Momo being child-like is quite evident in the final arc. So no, having her act in a child-like manner was in no way making her OoC That’s the way she is, but certain fans of this character don’t like it when she’s shown in a negative light.
I would like you to give an example in which manga or anime Momo has expressed anything akin to jealousy over Hitsugaya.
Just because a character says Momo is jealous of Toshiro doesn’t mean she actually is jealous. Matsumoto told Toshiro that Momo was jealous because his fukutaicho was fed up with how Momo treated Toshiro, not necessarily because she had real reason to believe Momo was jealous. Unfortunately for Toshiro, he couldn’t think up a good argument as to why Momo wasn’t jealous as he doesn’t know for sure if Matsumoto is right or not, so he proceeded to deflect the criticism Momo received by finding a logical reason why Momo was acting the way she was besides jealousy.
That said, where does the disrespect Momo show Toshiro in the series come from? She has yet to refer to him as his proper title in the non-filler material, something she promised to do once he got into the academy. The only logical explanation is she’s in denial that her baby brother is growing up and doesn’t need her anymore, or she is jealous. It may even be a combination of both things. Either way, her being jealous of Toshiro is a logical character interpretation for her behavior as there is yet to be anything that contradicts this interpretation within the canon.
No, said interpretation isn’t based on the canon material. Instead, said interpretation is based on basic psychology to fill in the gaps within canon, so it is still a legit interpretation until something in canon says otherwise.
No one likes an over-the-top powerful character, but in this case Momo YOU made Momo an antagonist Mary sue, and that pretty much defeats the purpose of this fic.
No, I didn’t turn Momo into a Mary Sue. I also think the writer missed the actual purpose of the fic, as they did say earlier…
… I can understand your frustration at exaggerated rapid learnt bankai’s…
That’s not what the fic was about at all. To be specific, my author’s note clearly says “the idea for this fanfic came from the fact that I’ve seen a lot of fanfics that simply give Hinamori Momo Bankai and the Captaincy position, with no character development so that she has the kind of personality for either.”
The fic is specifically commenting on Momo’s character, and the fact she is, with the child-like personality she has, never going to learn Bankai or become a Captain. This story was written before the advent of the final arc though, so while I was convinced Momo might actually eventually grow up, I’m not anymore. I’d also worked more with her character as well, and found getting Momo over her child-like issues isn’t an easy task either.
As for her being a Mary Sue…
Yes, Momo does have an amazing power, and there were no repercussions within the fanfic itself for her having this Fake Bankai. It is though heavily implied that there would be repercussions for her should she continue to use this special power of hers. It is after all a power she got through the twelfth division. When has the things Mayuri done never had serious repercussions of some kind?
I choose to imply this rather than show for the following reason. I did not write the piece to harm or maim Momo, but wanted to focus on the ludicrousness of her ever getting Bakai. Implying that their would be repercussions should she use the ability also left what could happen to her open to the imagination of the reader. I also thought the implication was also quite evident with what everybody knows about Mayuri, but apparently for this reader it was not.